i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
