Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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