remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
