what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
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You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
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I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My breath smells like gin and sadness
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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