I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
