Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
