Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
