I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
