can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
nutella sex= disaster
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
