Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
