We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
