Even the bartender felt bad for me
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
