Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
