when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
