I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
