I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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