She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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