Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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