She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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