from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize