somebody snuck up and got me drunk
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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