I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
