he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
