He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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