so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
They are going to name an STD after you.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
