I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
