Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
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I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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