the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
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