there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You're a disaster
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