i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
