Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
