the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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