in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
