I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm really busy with my period
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