if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
