There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
whose parrot is this?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
