we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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