I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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