so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
