you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
