Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
