I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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