I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
