8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My feet surprised me
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
