She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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