I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
