Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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