So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
