Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
