...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
