U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
