I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
