if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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