I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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