accomplished twins. life is a go
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
