You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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