I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
