I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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