my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
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Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
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why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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