just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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